…after everyone is exhausted from a week of fun.
1. Sadly kiss family goodbye, who woke up at 6 am to send you off.
2. Graciously accept the peanut butter and apple (for me) and toast (for Ina) breakfast and gobble it town on the drive to the airport.
3. Arrive at the airport 2 hours before your flight leaves.
4. Wait in line for 30 minutes to check your luggage. Of course, you packed your life because baby. Every time the line moves you and your aunt (who helped you, thank God) move the two car seats, stroller, Rock N’ Play, and suitcase a few feet forward.
5. Replace belt that connects the poles for the line because toddler “didn’t know” that if she touched the clasp it would come undone and fly to hit one of the unsuspecting line waiters behind her. Sorry Sir.
6. Hand infant off to aunt because, despite all the rocking, singing, and binkie pressing, she is hungry and is starting to scream.
7. Check luggage and present all forms of ID to airline worker, including birth certificates that came in the mail a mere few days before. (Whew.) Keep toddler off the luggage scale, but not before mentally noting her current weight. Try to block the sound of the infant screams from your head as you smile politely and say, “Yes, (for the 10th time) our final destination is Kansas City."
8. Make a mad dash to the security line, promising infant you will feed her as soon as you get through security.
9. Wait in line for 30 minutes to get through security. Toddler is done with lines, so you put her on your shoulders and point to people and things.
10. Sing songs. Still waiting.
11. Toddler asks if her pink blankie will have to go through the scanner and you answer yes.
12. Wrong answer.
13. Just as you get to the person checking IDs toddler has meltdown and throws herself on the floor.
14. Ignore toddler. Tell her you are leaving her in Houston and proceed to place all belongings on security belt.
15. Start to go through the security gate but stop when you realize that toddler is still on the floor and not scared to be left in Houston.
16. Pick toddler up and try to act like her screaming, kicking, and arm flailing don’t phase you as the hundreds of people are staring. Also, remember, this entire time the infant is screaming because it has been 3 hours since she has eaten and that is completely not acceptable.
17. Try to carry toddler through body scanner, but TSA worker says she actually needs to walk through.
18. Put toddler on the ground and she immediately throws herself on the floor again.
19. TSA worker sees things your way and says that you can carry her through, but will need to have your hands scanned.
20. Wait with screaming infant and fit throwing toddler to prove that you do not have explosive residue on your hands. (Do you really think I would pick this situation as one of my last moments on Earth?!?)
21. Promise infant I will feed her as soon as we get to the gate.
22. Get to gate and see that your flight is now boarding. Sorry infant.
23. Kiss aunt goodbye and thank her over and over again for enduring this mess.
24. Give flight attendant your ticket and realize you are no longer holding toddler’s ticket. Suppress the freak-out that is bubbling inside as you fumble through your backpack. Found it! Whew.
25. Wait to board airplane while infant is still screaming, but toddler is surprisingly subdued, most likely because her pink blankie is back in her possession.
26. Try not to make eye contact with the poor people who have to sit in front of you as you slide in behind them. Try not to burst into delirious laughter when somebody says, “That is how I feel when I am close to BBQ and can’t eat it."
27. Empty the contents of your backpack to find nursing cover and feed infant. No more screaming. Sweet relief.
28. Toddler sees candy and asks for some and although she absolutely does not deserve it, you give it to her anyways, along with your phone to play a game.
29. Try not to cry when the pilot says the flight is delayed for 30 minutes. Try not to cheer when the plane finally takes off. Try not to mess anything up as infant sleeps and toddler listens to Frozen music the entire flight. Try not to laugh when toddler screams, “Let it Go! Let it Go!” in an otherwise silent plane. Try not to make eye contact when the person sitting next to toddler when he pulls out a breakfast burrito and toddler says, “I’m hungry, can I have a bite?"
30. Greet husband with a smile and a kiss and when he asks how the flight was answer, “fine."
I should note that the flight there was absolutely perfect with no hiccups, but that isn’t fun to write about, now is it?